WASHINGTON (WP) – Flag burning has always been a hot topic and nobody knows that more than 28 yr old Cory Martin. A drunken hippie from Vermont, Cory was severely burned last week at a flag burning support rally when he mistook his shirt–which bore an American flag design–for an actual flag.
“I could have sworn it was a real flag, the stars, the stripes–f*ck, ow, oh God ow!” lamented Martin beneath yards of medical bandages and monitoring wires.
The flag shirt that Martin has no recollection of ever putting on had been a gift from his mother. “He must have been really drunk–there’s no way he would have worn that flag shirt sober,” acknowledged Martin’s mother.
Martin’s mother explained that she had given the shirt as a gift in a last ditch effort to save her “commie” son from burning in Hell. The irony is not lost upon Martin’s mother who blames her son’s flag burning tendencies on his biological father Larry “The Big Unit” Martin a gay porn star who had run off to live in Canada years earlier.
“I’m proud of him for expressing himself,” wrote Martin’s father in a suicide note discovered by Canada’s Mounted Police.
The news and cruel timing of his father’s death was a particularly devastating blow to Martin. “My Dad was alive? Jesus, please just give me more morphine you sadistic Republican bastards!” sobbed Martin in Farsi.
Martin’s friends who had accompanied Martin to the flag burning rally–not to support flag burning but in the hopes of “getting laid by women with hairy armpits”–offered Martin their sympathy. “He better pay me back for the weed I loaned him. The dumbass had it in his shirt pocket and it burned up with all his hair,” said Mookie–one of Martin’s more coherent friends.
Supporters of flag burning are still celebrating the failure in the Senate of a proposed amendment that would have made flag burning illegal. Flag burning, much like fecal covered Sesame Street characters, has been lauded throughout American history–or at least since the 60s–as a legitimate form of expression and political protest.
After the vote, proponents of flag burning happily returned home to their shady spots in parks across America; but unfortunately for Cory Martin he faces a long road to recovery ahead of him.